Berbatov why not playing

Lazy yet motivated, lethargic gait but a mind-working overtime, outrageously skillful yet prone to unforgivable errors.

Dimitar the player, like Dimitar the man, is an enigma. The great Sir Alex would have to admit he was wrong, and he doesn't like doing that, so he won't be selling a player he bought for 30 million at an inevitable loss. And then Saturday happened. No matter the opposition, no matter the service, to score five goals in the Premier League demonstrates class. His hat trick against Liverpool earlier in the season was even more impressive, and his second in that game was one of the most outrageous goals I have ever seen.

Despite his lack of appearances, Berbatov is still United's joint third top scorer with an overall tally of nine. Leaders Manchester City play at Swansea at the same time and Sir Alex Ferguson has already noted Blues boss Roberto Mancini getting involved in the mind games he has been so adept at playing, the Italian claiming last week that United would win at Tottenham a day before the match was played. Ferguson said: "We were better in the second half and ran out winners - just as Roberto Mancini said we would ES Money.

The Escapist. The Reveller. The Optimist. Perhaps — but what is coffee? And why is waitress? There are no answers. There are no questions.

So no coffee for Dimitar. He lights another cigarette. Hmm, mouth's a bit dry with all this smoking, he notes. I could do with something to wash this fag down. Dimitar is a performance artist.

He is a serious man. A couple of times during his stay in Manchester he has staged situationist happenings. On one occasion, he sauntered down a length of turf at the Old Trafford stadium and nonchalantly kicked a ball into a net against Blackeye Rovers.

Another time, he hovered above the turf and guided a ball into a net against Liverpool. You would know these artistic stunts as "goals". Dimitar is aware they are known as "goals", too, but he also knows they are not goals. They are his interpretations of goals, via the medium of goals. Football fans may consider them goals if they wish, but they are pigs. To Dimitar, these goals, which are not goals, are studies of time, space, energy, humanity.

They are his philosophic digressions, poems, novels. Full time score: Blackeye Rovers nil, Ekphrasis one. But while Dimitar is reaching new levels of maturity and depth of expression in his work, he can be a bit moody, and some senior figures at Manchester United have been wondering whether he's been worth the investment.